Small Talk

I shared at the second session of the Personal  and Professional Development (PPD) * group about my discomfort in engaging small talk, especially with people I do not know well.  I am aware of this all along, it used to be a big issue when I was younger as I felt incompetent in front of crowds and strangers. 

I shared that it has been less so now as my self-confidence has improved since I started working 6 years ago. Having had to interact with several new groups of people after moving to London - housemates, coursemates, tutors, placement colleagues and friends, I became more conscious  once again about this side of me. One example I cited was that when I bumped into my supervisor at a conference last Friday, she initiated small talk the first time, yet the second and third time, we just smiled, even though I wanted to say something. I felt a tinge of awkwardness as I had wanted to small talk, as well as share my thoughts about her sharing at the conference but decided otherwise. 

I drew two (of many possible) connections to this small talk issue, the first of which I shared with the PPD group, the second only occurred to me after the group ended :

1. I tend to be a task-oriented person, i.e. speak to people only when I have something to ask or need some help. Right now, the people-oriented side of me wishes to get to know people better, rather than  just for tasks. Very often I am not able to initiate it as I would be at lost with what to ask. While writing this I also recall feeling irritated and frustrated each time a friend approached me, as she is the sort who only approaches people when she needs help; I believe it is this similarity that stirred up my negative emotions towards her. On the contrary, I enjoyed conversations with her  sister, as she chats and take genuine interests in hearing and confiding with me; a character I yearn to be like.

2. My family rarely engages in small talk with one another; we only speak when there is a task to be done, or when care and concern is expressed,  like in many Asian families, through questions about basic needs like money, food and safety. This relational pattern persists even till today when I am overseas and speak to them over the phone. It does take me a long time to come to a good place to appreciate and accept this as our love expression.

  

My PPD tutor, in response to my sharing, said I could do small talk with myself to start off with, asking myself things like what another person would want to know or ask, or even imagine what questions I would ask five years ago or five years from now. He also suggested the team to help me work on a devil's pact, which he hopes to elaborate further in future sessions.

I made a pact with myself for the second realisation - to attempt to make small talk with my family on over the phone on a fornightly basis.


* PPD is a class that helps students explore how and what the personal aspect of ourselves enhance or limit us in our professional work with families. This could be done by looking at our own families and membership of other systems in our lives. Genograms, role-play and other experiential exercises could be used in the group session.