It seems like ages since the last time I set time to have a private time with my Reflective Diary. The Autumn term was an amazing transition for me, a step from Graduate Certificate to MSc year. Nearing the end of 2010, I would like to take a lift to explore the changes inside and outside of me, in relation to my personal and professional journey I'm venturing.
I realise my default position in life is floating. I feel calm and at ease with myself most of the time, at times too comfortable that it becomes a compulsive stagnancy - not wanting to get out of bed, playing repetitive computer games like Hearts or Blackgammon non-stop, delaying time to go toilet despite the call of nature or walking to the kitchen to refill my water bottle even when thirsty. There was also a few days in November when I felt rubbish and wished I need not go for appointments scheduled with clients the following day. A familiar feeling that I had before when I was working in Singapore. My default strategies back then was to turn up late for work, chose not to see clients for the whole day or hoped that the client cancel the appointment. What has not changed though is that this feet-dragging feeling evaporates whenever I am in-session convening the therapeutic discussions. The sense of fulfillment usually last for a while after each session but eventually it would revert to a drag to write the casenotes and anticipation of not wanting to go for the next appointments. One strategy I had back then in Singapore was to commit myself and client to a definite date for the next appointment. Penning it down in my diary and verbalising it to the client set as a speech act, an external control for me to commit despite the feet-dragging feeling.
I notice that this feet-dragging feeling lasted for quite long period of time in Singapore; whilst over here it only lingered a few days and disappeared. One major difference is that back then the caseload was over 30 active cases, whereas at this moment, it is only about 6-10 active cases. Flight and staying afloat elsewhere seem to be my coping strategies when I feel overwhelmed. I believe this survival instinct became part of me during my adolescence when I was at the same time seeking yet running away from myself and my relationships, especially with my parents. This escapism turned into frustration when I felt "pricked" by others, or panic and anxiety when I hear other's feedbacks as criticism, or when I faced with the reality of deadlines or a backlog of overdue tasks to complete.
Efficiency is one of my key new-year resolution to fight my Compulsive Floating. I also see it to be the key tool to ground me from running away when feeling overwhelmed. It takes quite a bit of determination and planning beforehand in my mind - thinking ahead little steps and the sense of urgency while doing the actual task. I already see a glimpse of this happening to me in the past months. It does need some level of external pressure and encouragement for this to happen. One example is the requirement for casenotes at my clinical placement to be entered in the computer system within two working days and my Supervisor's trust in me meeting this timeline and my own (and her) witnessing me doing it brief and fast. I have been able to be on the ball and writing the casenotes sor far almost immediately after each session for the past month.
Barry Mason's concepts of relational risk and being creative inspired me to play the computer game Hearts differently once. The aim of the game is to either win all the Heart cards and Queen of Spade, or to totally lose all of these 14 cards to other players. I created totally different emotional experiences and journeys when I asked myself, "what if the rule of the game remain unchanged for others, but I changed it for myself?" That liberated me to feel a sense of achievement when I aimed to "lose" the game or when I decided my aim of playing is to enjoy the process of it. I think this is an important experience that informs me to dare myself to think on my feet and aim to go a different direction from my conventional way of facing challenges in life or in my clinical work, eg. the next time I dragged my appointments when my caseload were to shoot up to beyond 10 families, where appropriate, I could start some of the sessions with asking, "I felt overwhelmed recently and had thoughts of not turning up for our appointment today, I wonder if you feel the same at times? I think what made me come is [said something I see as a strength in the family]. What could I possibly say or do wrong today that may make you feel reluctant to come again for the next session?" Or I could use my experience of changing the rule of the Hearts game by telling myself, “Right, what if I were to imagine that I’m going to attend the session not as a therapist but an active audience participating in a small but important page in the development of the family’s life story? It could be fun or dreadful but I’m willing to give it a shot!”
Afternote: It was not Compulsive Floating that defeated me for the past month but my decision to priortise in other aspects of my coursework. It is a month late but I managed to edit and have it published in the end!
