Blog or Block?

One full year of integrating my private reflection and clinical learning with the public domain has been very fulfilling. Yet at the same time I wonder if I have compensated too much on those aspects that are too private to be shared publicly, yet pertinent in my learning process? Also, discussions with new people in this new year made me realise protecting confidentiality of clients in the public domain goes beyond just using pseudo-names or changing some storylines or details; it has to be done in such a way that they themselves and those who know them would not recognise when they read the entries. With these concerns and considerations, I've removed past entries that have direct references to clients. Moving on, my blog will be restricted to only reflection pertaining to my personal and academic learning.

Same-sex Connections

Pic 1: Fisherman's Wharf, San Francisco, 2009

Siegel: For heterosexuals, generally speaking, a supportive family is a given... [For g]ays and lesbians... [e]ven... if...  families in which a gay member is completely and lovingly accepted, where his sexuality is no more an issue than his age or his hair color, he is still alone among family members with his feelings about who he is and where he fits into the larger society... He cannot help but know that the members of his family felt a profound sense of loss upon their discovery of his being gay. His being - who he is - saddens his family. Even when a family evolves through a process of acceptance of a gay or lesbian member, they work themselves through the stages of loss and grief, as does the gay family member.

Walker: I would like your ideas on how straight therapists could be sensitive and helpful to the gay person coming out to the straight family...

Sigel: ... The process of coming out starts with a self-awareness... [i]n most cases, gays and lesbians are dealing with so much negativity from the outside world that some amount of shame exists as part of their experience. Managing both their personal and public responses to feeling or being shamed should be part of the therapeutic preparation for coming out to family and friends. Coming out publicly should represent the culmination of dealing successfully with developmental issues.

...

Siegel: When a family member or friend says to a gay person upon disclosing his homosexuality, "I still love you," it generally means I love you despite your homosexuality.

 Walker: ... what you are saying is that you have to be comfortable enough in yourself to be able to deal with the pain of that. Yet I don't know at what point a person is strong enough to challenge the implications of "I still love you."

Siegel and Walker, 1996: 56-57

Pic 2: Two embracing women, Victoria and Albert Museum, London, 2009

I was quite touched reading this conversation between a gay and heterosexual therapist. The quote abstract above summarised well lots of the pain individuals and their families have to go through. I can also see the paradoxical and interconnected positions faced; the closer the gay person is to the family, the higher the need to "come home" (coming out to family), yet the more disclosures were to be made, the more possibilities of both ends experiencing loss and grief. Unavoidably there are influences from the wider context of the family and societal values, often passed down over generations. This is especially apparent whenever conflicting lifescripts (what one defines onself to be) or cultural values and beliefs become the highest level of interactional contexts, eg. a daughter who identifies herself as lesbian whilst her family believes there is only one way for a woman to lead a happy life - marry a man and have children (doesn't this sound familiar? A challenge faced in societies fighting for women's rights and gender equality? The difference though is that even if she were to divorce or remain single for life, she could still be deemed to be better off than  being a single or coupled lesbian). The more one end pushes the other to accept and agree with oneself, the more the other would retaliate or oppose. This is analagous to the equal action/reaction law in Science, or the political fights we see in the world that often results to violence and war. I think this is quite a natural phonemena from a systemic point of view too - for change is resisted if it is perceived to be imposed by "external forces" eg. daughter seeing her family's rejection of her sexual identity as a  heterosexual oppression, or the family labelling lesbian identity as a "Western" influence and not part of an "Asian" culture. Both are very strong positions soaked with strong feelings, so strong that direct challenge or drawing on facts to refute would not shift either end anywhere nearer to each other.

I could still remember how emotional a guy Z was at the private event of IndigNation 2008, Silence and Aching Hearts. Z was saddened by the fact that his parents were still unable to fully accept his sexual identity even after he came out to them many years ago. The late Mr Anthony Yeo and Mrs Juliana Toh, the family therapists on the panel, consoled him that it does take a long time, just like it took him a long time to accept himself; what would be helpful is to focus on building up the relational closeness with them despite their different belief systems. I could fully appreciate their words now; what it takes for change to occur often is to turn the highest level of interactional context from culture/ lifescript, to relationship, i.e. instead of  fighting for the other end to hear you shout "you have to accept me!" focus on building mutual understanding, respect and trust. Not an easy wheel to turn though, as there are often intense feelings that are like rocks blocking the wheel, rocks of anger, guilt, shame, fear, blame, etc. It does not help to add more or throw more rocks at the wheel, at the same time it is often tough for one to let go of these battles, beliefs and feelings.  When the rocks are simply too heavy and too many, could Z and his parents (and many others in similar situations) leave the wheel  behind instead and walk the rest of the journey together? 

Pic 3: Hanoi, Vietnam, 2005. Same-sex love, a "Western" influence, an embedded "Asian" culture, or both?

The next reflection came through a connection I had  in early 2009 with two family therapists in Singapore, which had personally helped me a lot. This may be more of an Asian cultural issue but I suspect it could apply to other cultures as well, especially in this global village where younger generations grow up with multiple cultural influences. Most Asian parents play more of  a “caregiver” role to their children,  providing basic needs and care,  yet many children today grew up experiencing the loss of wanting parents to be  more than just caregivers but “parents” who could share with their children in-depth social and emotional bond.  How much sense does it make for a gay or lesbian person to come out to his/her "caregiver", or the "caregiver" to confront the gay or lesbian person, when their daily interactions  hardly move beyond exchanges about physical health, food and care issues? If "coming home" is inevitable or occur unexpectedly, how could the relationship be elevated beyond caregiving and to an emotionally close and safe level first? Where are the family or community cushions that could one party or both rest on while both ends grieve and heal? Could love be embraced despite differences and persistent familial and societal prejudices? Do family therapists and other helping professionals see a role in improving our compassion, sensitivity and competency in working through these challenges with our clients and patients?

- written on 13 Aug 10, edited on 3 Oct 10

Pic 4: Brighton Beach, UK, 2010. Just as Dr John Corvino said, could we judge other people not by who they love, but whether they love?

References

Connections. In: LAIRD, J. & GREEN, R.-J. (eds.) Lesbians and Gays in Couples and Families. San Francisco, California: Jossey-Bass.  (Siegel and Walker, 1996)